everything made sense yesterday...

And then I found out I was some serious overdrawn on my checking account. I went from having a lot of money (so i thought) to having none.

I can't pay my phone bill.

I'm not going to be able to pay my electric.

My check for my dad will probably not clear.

And I'm not sure about the rent one either.

And I spent a lot of money yesterday that I thought I had, and now I don't.

I don't think I'm going to be able to afford doing anything for New Year's.

Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT.

Everything is wrong. It is upside-down and inside-out.

I was so proud of myself yesterday. I didn't go see him, though I wanted to, but I knew how that would go. I would beg for sex, and he would turn me down. But I was expected to drop by, and so I thought I'd get a call or an email. But I didn't. And I knew that, too.

I went and saw my girls over at Conor's. And we had weed. Glorious, glorious weed. I can stop drinking so much for a little while. I only ever started drinking as much as I did because I couldn't find any weed, and my liver cried.

I love my girls. I miss my girls.

This whole money thing has completely deflated me.

All wrong. Again.

I thought I had turned a corner, but once again, I'm down in a hole.

This is the 7th level of hell. Two more to go.

And the world just falls away...

I feel bad being so miserable in my life right now. I hate my job, I have no money. But these things are to be expected at my age and stage in life.

And halfway across the world, real problems and real disasters are happening.

The death toll keeps going up in Asia. I check cnn.com and it's frightening.

What do I have to be sad about? A boy hurt me, my job is boring and mindless, rent is always a scary prospect...

But dead bodies aren't washing up all around me. No one I love is missing. No one I love is floating face down in the ocean that came up to greet the world and show who really is in charge.

Does anyone else feel like the world really may be coming to an end? We've done too much to destroy it and each other and Earth is just giving up. God cries down to his failed experiment and is slowly starting to take care of the problem. The Earth is rejecting this implant of hatred and it's vomiting onto itself. And God's not holding its hair back. He's washed his hands of it.

"Watch you flush it all away..."

The temp next to me lived down the street from the twin towers. He watched them go down. He keeps researching the shit that's happening in Asia and he has flashbacks of when he went down to the site right after the first tower went down and he saw severed heads down at City Hall. I think he should chill back from looking at cnn.com

I joke about how he's so paranoid. But I can imagine why. He's seen a lot. More than I have. And I've seen my fair share. But I imagine a severed head on a government building can make you lose faith in the whole thing.

I'm losing my faith in a lot of things. I'm losing my religion. No, wait, that's a song. And I don't have a religion.

What do I have? A front row seat to the end of days.