Love is nearer death/Prove that I lie

I'm sick of ghosts.

Yesterday it was Eric's turn. I get home from rehearsal and check the mail and there it was. The timing was so weird.

When he was here, we went shopping at Mexx and I helped him pick out a sweater. He got a special membership thing with his purchase of however much and gave it to me so I could get deals on the clothes and whatnot. Very sweet, right? But I never received anything from it.

Till yesterday.

There it was, staring at me.

And I go upstairs and watch TV with Devon, where in a movie The Bowery Ballroom was prominently featured. This is where I took Eric and we met up with Conor, Amanda, and a few NTI friends.

God, here was a guy who went shopping with me, was really excited to meet my friends, and all he wanted to do was be with me. He flew halfway across the country to do it. And I ditched it? For what? A guy who is violently allergic to thinking about anyone but himself? Good choice.

You screwed over a very sweet guy. You destroyed it. You are a bad person.

This is Romantic Karma. This is the Coronation of the Locust Queen. This is come-uppence. This is Exquisite Agony.

It weighed on me all night, and I sat down at my cubicle at work and my heart snapped in two. Just snapped. I felt my heart chakra swallow up my entire self.

I'm distraught. I can't think of a single good decision I've made since moving to the city. Not one. I'm stupid and selfish and I keep making all the wrong moves. I'm embarrassed to be alive. I'm embarrassed to be crying in the office, trying to keep it under control so my mascara doesn't run or so people don't notice.

But nobody cares. I'm just a temp. We are cannon-fodder.

I walked home from rehearsal last night and I looked at my neighborhood. This is apparently my home.

There's an interesting phenomenon that the city morphs to fit your mood. When it's good, the possibilities looming over you seem infinite and impressive. When you are scared, it's oppressive. And last night? I looked at all these buildings, slight variations of each other, all reaching toward the sky, all hoping that they were taller or more unique. But since there's such an exorbitant amount of them, the individuality is lost in among the sea of buildings trying to accomplish something new. Blades of steel grass. Sharp and cold. Boring. Endless.

They house people making money
Or they make money off of housing people

I'm trying to be tall and unique and reach to the sky. So is everyone else. And so we're all anonymous.

I'm in a mood. Can you tell? I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I need an out.

The Lonely Girl's Haiku

I need you inside
Because I fear inside me
I'm really hollow

I think I'm going to burn things tonight. Ash is the purest element in the world. And I'm going to turn all that is defiled and dirty and empty and useless into nothing, into purity. Into rebirth.

I want to forget who I am. I don't like her much.

So I'm starting over.

But where the crime's committed
The crime can be forgot