I am Finally Seeing that I Was the One Worth Leaving

How I feel most of the time.

But odd. I don't know.

State of Being often self-imposed. You're not anything unless you allow yourself to feel a certain way.

I see him and we don't look at each other and we don't hug goodbye and I miss the days when we were friends.

I'm getting over the other stuff, I imagine these things take time. I have an interesting prospect on the horizon.

Doesn't take the sting away though. Some of us were born to feel too much.

Some of us are hard-wired wrong. Some of us are the practice for something more normal and healthy.

Some. All. None.

But we don't look at each other, we sit far apart on the futon. You wouldn't even know we ever even knew the other existed.

Stings, it does. I wonder when it won't. I wonder if it will ever feel normal again.

I crawled into bed and I wanted to cry, but I haven't allowed myself to cry in a really long time. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

This is not to say I'm in a horrible place, because I'm not, just a little nostalgic for a time in my life that seemed a lot simpler and happier. But that doesn't mean that I'm not getting there.

I am blessed with wonderful friends and family. I am OKAY. I'm working on it.

Please be patient.

And I think this is really cute:



ADDENDUM:

I have decided that most of my melancholy can be blamed on the fact that I do not think a lot during the day getting my work done, and so my mind becomes occupied with all the depressing thoughts that I have. I realize I work about 11 hours each day and my mind has nothing to focus on but all the problems that still exist in my world.

I will try to blog from home when I feel more peaceful and at ease with things.

Like today, a lovely day, went for a quick walk to the bank to deposit my paycheck. And every once in a while, I will be going about my business and I stop for a second and go,

"Whoa. I live in New York. That's neat."

And I feel slightly warm and fuzzy about it. So you see, all is not lost and everything is not fucked up and I am reading really great books and on days like this, I need to get out of my head for a while and stop being such a whiney mcwhinerson.

That is all. Carry on.