An Open Letter to the Lady Who Does My Brazilian Wax...

Dear [Whatever the Hell your Name is]--

I understand the nature of our relationship is awkward. Some chick just walks in one day and wants you to take all the hair off her lady bits. You, being a lady yourself, probably are not thrilled about this. This is why it costs so much. I wonder if you could charge by coverage area, though I imagine this would make some larger women feel uncomfortable.

I am a small girl. And I still feel uncomfortable with you all up in my lady bits. I can't even imagine how bad it must be if you then have to search, not only through the lady bits, but folds of flesh as well.

I feel for you. I really do. I know my job at times really sucks, but that is ROUGH.

But I do have an issue, now that you mention it:

Please don't talk to me.

This is not a fine establishment, and I think we can both agree on that. Now, I'm not saying it's dirty or anything like that, you're clean and everything's clean but it's the bare minimum. It's not like one of those fancy Aveda salons where puppies greet you and you lay on a queen-size bed and someone reads you a story while someone else does magic tricks to distract from the pain.

I can afford those places. I choose not to go to them. And not just because I'm cheap.

I want something clean and quick. In and out in 15 minutes. And you deliver. But I don't want to have to discuss my day with you. I want to stare at the ceiling whilst you dive around my vagina and pretend that this is not happening and get out of there as quickly as possible. It's awkward enough having a stranger down in there, but a Brazilian recquires you to see my body in angles that I wouldn't let the Man I Love view me in.

I just want to be an anonymous vagina that comes in to get waxed and then leaves and goes about it's Vagina Business. [Vagina Business: A Memoir]

Also, I don't appreciate when you finish up and say, "It's so clean now."

Ummm, excuse me. It was clean before, thank you very much. It just had more hair. I don't like the assumption that just because things grow a little wild down there without this maintenance that I am somehow filthy. Believe me, the things I do with it once you finishing making it "clean" are far more filthy. Nothing wrong with having hair down there. I just choose to take it off, but I don't like you implying that somehow my hygeine was poor before I decided to start doing the Brazilian.

So next time you see me, please only use hand signals. I will not talk, I will shift my body the way you tell me, and I will leave you a generous tip. It's the least I can do for the Lady Whose Name I Don't Know, but knows me more intimately than any other person on this planet.

Thank you very much

Carrie

On second thought, scratch that. No names. Just call me Vagina 12 of the Day.