Pussy Control

I wanted this entry to have absolutely nothing to do with Valentine's Day. But Jesus Holy Hell, the office building I work in even hired a string quartet to serenade us to remind us of the day. I hadn't remembered, and the email that gets sent out every morning asking us for our attendance was all lovey, too. Man, lay off already! I got it! Some dude married people in secret and got clubbed to death and then decapitated for it. How freakin' romantic. Thank God Hallmark could carry the torch.

I'm really not bitter about Valentine's Day (really, I'm not). But I don't see the big deal and having it thrown in my face every which way, I'm forced to at least acknowledge its existence. So here, for you lovebirds on this, the holiest of Hallmark Holidays, a love poem courtesy of my hero, Ms. Parker:

Theory
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
--Dorothy Parker

So enough of that. From the lovely Sharon, she had posted this picture of recent events that makes me snarkle until I can't snarkle no 'mo:



Absolutely brilliant. And Kudos to the Daily Show for a kick ass episode that made fun of our Vice President mercilessly and excessively. It was a sight to behold.

But I wanted to bitch about the President. Surprise, surprise. But no, in fact, not George W. Bush. I want to bitch about President Logan on 24.

The man is an idiot and a coward. This is by no means a spoiler, I don't think, but just in case there's something that slips in there that people would be surprised about, I'll do this:

24 SPOILER ALERT!!!

I see other blogs do that, and I just wanted to join the club.

Anyhoozits, he had to make a bad call. There was a bit of nasty nerve gas that was going to be released in a mall and kill a couple hundred people, but if they let it go off, it might lead them to the larger amount of nasty nerve gas that could kill hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of people. Or they could stop this mini-attack, but possibly lose their lead to the Big Prize. So the folks have to run this by the President if they're going to knowingly let a bunch of Americans die. Sort of a tough call, but that's why we have a President.

1st response--"You guys decide."

Their response: "This has to be your call [asshole]. You're the President [asshole] and knowingly condoning the murder of Americans has to be a covert act of the President of the United States [asshole]." Clearly, I'm paraphrasing, and clearly those "asshole" comments are implied, because COME ON!!!

2nd response--turn to his aide, "What do you think?"

His response: "This has to be your call." [DUH!!! HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR LILY WHITE ASS AND MAKE A HARD DECISION!!!]

Anyway, for about the next five minutes, he tries to pass the buck in every way imaginable. I was just about expecting him to bust out his Magic 8 Ball [and even it would say, "Don't even ask me later. You're the President, Asshole]. It is infuriating and it causes a problem for me.

Calling him a coward just isn't satisfying enough. I needed to swear at him. And here's my problem:

The term commonly accepted for such behavior is calling them a "pussy." Now, I have gone along with it because it has been the standard for swearing as someone calling them a coward. And then I think about it a bit and I go, "Wait a minute..."

I like to call my Lady Bits my pussy. So do others. Somewhere along the way being a coward is being called a pussy, which is a term for the female genitalia, and therefore, I guess implying that someone's being a woman about something. And therefore, a coward. Even setting aside the fact that it's a long-about way of calling someone a woman, and that's ridiculous to imply cowardice, the actual body part itself needs to be addressed. I'm bogged down in semantics, not feminism (though I wave my feminist flag proudly, this is not what I'm trying to get at with this rant).

A pussy.

Hmmm...a vagina.

Now, in terms of bravery, I guess I can't speak for all pussies. I know mine certainly hasn't run off and slayed dragons any time recently. That I'm aware of, at least. Sometimes I sleep pretty hard. But the essence of this anatomy is actually anything BUT cowardly.

We're talking about a part of the body that has more muscles than that of a penis. Which means, I imagine that if my pussy DID want to slay a dragon, it'd have a better shot at it than a dick. Also, it has twice the nerve endings, making it incredibly sensitive. Maybe this is where cowardice comes from, sensitivity? Well, I think that's an archaic theory (very pre-Oprah and the metrosexualization of America), but even if we go with that, HA HA STUPIDHEADS, IT ALSO MEANS WE HAVE BETTER ORGASMS. So I think that pretty much shuts down that one, in my opinion.

But most importantly, and my biggest argument against calling a coward a pussy is that this is a very delicate, very petite organ that can, when it needs to, PUSH A BABY OUT OF IT--ANYWHERE FROM 5-11 POUNDS OF BABY!!!!!

Your penis just cried at the thought. Cried and ran home to it's mommy and talked about its big, bad kidney stone.

Yeah, kidney stones hurt. TRY A FUCKING BABY AND THEN TELL ME IT DOESN'T TAKE SOME FUCKING BALLS TO BE A PUSSY!!!

And my pussy bleeds once a month and doesn't think one thing about it. Your penis bleeds and chances are you've been sticking it where you shouldn't. And then you still cry.

Now, I'm not anti-man (most of the time, anyway), so I don't think making a penis reference is a viable alternative to pussy. Something else needs to be created when you are so angry and someone is being a wimpy little weasel. But I had decided to stop referring to cowards as "pussies" and here, President Logan was being just the worst example of whatever.

I was sitting with Neighbors watching it and couldn't contain myself:

"OH MY GOD THIS MAN IS A...[can't. won't. think of something else]...A...A BLEEDING HERPES SORE OF A HUMAN BEING!!!!!"

Neighbors lost it. Neighbor 2: "What goes on in that brain of yours, Carrie?"

I don't know. But it's the 10 Million Dollar Question.

But I think it works. Herpes sucks. It's uncomfortably awful. And it all sneaks away but it's never really gone and only flares up when it wants to cause problems for you. And to think of it oozing and bleeding is just as unpalatable as the President of the United States being such a wuss-ball that he can't make the big decisions that he's supposed to because he's the President of The Fucking United States. And a Bleeding Herpes Sore of a Human Being.

I crawled into bed that night and my pussy thanked me for defending its honor.