Lifetime: Television for Women...

Ummm... so gazing upon just the last few entries, I have to say I put the...uh...la la la in bi-polar. Which I guess means that I suffer from bi-polalalar disorder. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all around.

Today I feel better. Mainly because I couldn't have felt worse yesterday.

But I don't like to let myself wallow too long.

I went to yoga with Chloe.

It was great. I haven't stretched really well in so long, and it was so nice just to try to clear my mind and focus on everything going on physically within me (unless I'm high I can't really clear my mind). But during the guided meditation while in downward-facing-dog (which is still a term that makes me giggle--it's up there with steaming manhole and yum-yum Bangkok--I am such a 13 year old boy), I honestly felt a lot of that tension release out of my body.

The key to yoga is to work within your own body, and not push it beyond its limitations. This was always hardest for me, since dance is such a competitive world that I could never stand it if someone else was doing the pose (in a yoga class) better than I was. But yoga isn't about competition. In fact, it's the antithesis of it. Enough yoga and slight changes in my mentality made it easier. I have learned to be more forgiving of my body. I need to learn to be a bit more forgiving of my mind (re: yesterday's hatred-of-self).

I guess it's been hard because I was always the girl who made the right choices. Abby and Amy made some pretty crazy ones when they were in high school, and now they've balanced themselves out (or as much as Amy can/will ever be balanced). And seeing some of the poorer choices they made, I always was cautious and ambitious and calculating.

But it's my turn to fuck up royally. I was so very old when I was so very young, and now is my real adolescence. So yeah, I really am a 13 year-old boy. And that means I'm going to get things wrong, but it's time to find my sea legs, kids. Yes. I have made some bad choices. Well, hell, it was about time.

I always feel amazing after yoga. I was about to be mad at my body for being horny as well, but then I remember yoga has always made me horny, even pre-40 Days of Reckoning.

I'm sore as shit today and I couldn't be happier about that. I shelled out a lot of money for a yoga pass and Chloe and I are going every Wednesday. I'm so in love with that idea I can't even tell you.

And it was nice just to hang with Chloe. We went across the street to this adorable cafe and sat and wound-down and just talked. God, I miss girl talk. I was talking to Julie before she left and she sympathized with the hanging-out-with-only-guys thing. It's hard. And the phone doesn't satisfy the need either. Sometimes you need a girl sitting across from you with their listening face and when you both get it, you laugh and casually touch their leg. And the great part (as opposed to guys) is that she has her own stuff to talk about, along the same lines as me, and so I got to listen and advise her as well.

Chloe is a great girl. She suffers from the same syndrome that Roxy does--very pretty girls with angular eyebrows must equal bitch. I fell into that when I first met her. I was intimidated by her. But she was like April, and I absolutely love it when I'm totally wrong about a person. Sure, that mentality has gotten me hurt a couple of times, but more often than not, I've gained beautiful insight and beautiful friends by realizing I'm far judgier than I'd like to admit and being open to the possibility that people are kinder, smarter, funnier than their book covers would indicate.

I skipped out on going to Yvette's puppet show. The last thing I needed was puppets, and if there could be something worse, it would be meeting up with any Degenerate when I was in a mood like that. Well, I was feeling much better after yoga, but still. I didn't wanna. And I'm not going to feel bad about that.

Plus, I came home and Haley had some news for us. [ed note: notice all the girls that are being mentioned in this entry]

Haley's going back to Texas. Like, moving back to Texas. Next month.

Whoa.

It wasn't too much of a shock. I know she's been miserable here. She's so close to her family and never really did a good job of trying to break away from them and start a life here. So she had a crappy life here and a family that wants her back and it broke her and she's broke and she's in love with a boy there...

=leaving.

I think she's still going to pay rent, though. She's legally responsible for that and she knows it, but I'm not quite sure what her plan is there. And her dad is going to continue to pay our cable bill. Which, I have to say, from a strict roommate perspective, is wicked awesome.

As her friend, I'm sad that she's leaving. But, also as her friend, I want her to be happy. And the way her life was here, I barely saw her anyway. And when I did see her, she just looked so...tired.

It's sad. Camp Tejas is dissolving. I never would have made it through the break-up with Sleazy without her, and all the fun we had when we first were here and unemployed are going to be the times that I miss with her. I hope that she finds some peace of mind back in Austin.

After such an announcement, there's really not much left to do but watch the Daily Show. Jon Stewart always does a good job of helping find some sort of calm amid the storm. And then I fell asleep and slept like the dead and had a dream that I was searching for weed in Brooklyn with people I have never met before. I wonder if I will meet them someday.

So yeah, that was my action-packed Wednesday.