The Finish and the Start and I Burn

I am nothing if not perpetually awed and confused by everything.

There's a crush I have. And it is very quickly increasing in size and scope. And there are hints of reciprocation and then not. I understand that we are in a position where caution is necessary, but there are moments when we are alone that feels very much like something. And he keeps asking me to things, just me, but then he'll throw in later that we could invite a ton of people and make it a big group thing. Which would indicate that he doesn't want me thinking it's a date. But then he'll buy me a drink, leave when I do, take the train home with me (granted for the most part, we're on the same train).

I don't get it. Chances are I'm imagining the attraction because it's on my side, but I'm generally not one to assume someone's attracted to me and I get the feeling he is sometimes. And then he'll say something very buddy-buddy to me and it's gone again.

I am a girl who winds up very quickly in what my sister Amy and I refer to as "The Friend Zone." It's the point of no-return in an interaction where said object of perhaps-affection ceases to see you as something of sexual interest. For the most part, it's a trusted theory. Then again, a few months ago I slept with a friend who I had been in the Friend Zone with for 5 years, and he was in my Friend Zone. So I don't know. I'm a girl who likes to swear, drink beer, I enjoy watching sports in small doses (I honestly can't understand how Derek can spend ALL Saturday watching game after game of college basketball), I am not squeamish about sex topics or bodily functions, and I am pretty good at poker.

So you'd think I'd be a Perfect Girlfriend. Instead, I always wind up as the Perfect Girl Friend. And that's a very sharp distinction and one that makes me stock up on AA batteries.

I can't read him. And with most people, I'm pretty good at this stuff. Sleazy was as easy as a children's book. Junebug a bit harder, though that was more due to the fact that I didn't WANT to read what was there. What was there was unpleasant mess. And I'm pretty sure in German.

The last guy who threw me for a loop like this was Conor back in high school. In fact, this guy reminds me a bit of Conor. Not in any sort of physical way, but that in that guy's guy way of always fucking with people. And it was a habit I made Conor break, at least for me, because it drives me nuts. It's why I gave him the nickname Playful Bullshitter. When I was out with Crush the other night, he was giving me more shit about one of my things (he likes to tease me that I mention being a dancer quite a bit; to be fair, he brought me to a bar to meet some of his friends who I didn't know and dance came up...)

I start slapping him on the arm--

"I hate when you fuck with me!!!"

"I can't help it. I guess I only fuck with people because people fucked with me so much when I was younger."

"Yeah, well, men who are abused tend to grow up to be wife-beaters and that still doesn't make it OK. So fuckin' change that, at least with me, or I'm going to keep hitting you!"

"I'm shaking in my boots."

[enough of this shit. I grab his wrist and use the pressure point--that Conor taught me, no less--to render him useless]

"OK!!! OK!!!"

"I'm small, but I'll kick your ass."

"I've never quite met a girl like you."

"Why, thank you."

I don't know if this puts me in the Friend Zone, I don't know if he wants me elsewhere other than the Friend Zone, but when I feel that deep ache in my heart from all the past hurt, it's nice to take a moment to fully believe that the heart is more resilient than I give it credit for. This was the first Valentine's Day I walked home with a big grin on my face, and not because anything romantic happened, or even that anything romantic MIGHT happen. It was just a reminder that there is a big world out there. We mourn the losses, the pain, the hurt, the wounded pride; but there is something to be said for the hope of something new, even if all it turns out to be is Hope.

[RANDOM SIDENOTE: Sometimes I forget how awesome the Toadies are. And that is a low-down, dirty shame]

RANDOM PICTURE: I'm doing a handstand.