Held to the Past, Too Aware of the Pending

Before I go on, it should be noted that I am terribly compulsive. I almost had a panic attack just now because I couldn't find my favorite pen. Like, for reals. My heart went all rapid-fire and everything. I'm so lame. But it's a really great pen, just so we all know. And sometimes, it's the little things that are worth fighting for.

Also, I've had this dull headache for two days that I can't shake. I'm beginning to become concerned that my brain might actually be ready to explode. Nothing seems to shake it--pressure points, drugs, decapitation...it's getting really obnoxious.

That's all. I'm a crazy, crazy person.

Those things aside, I'm feeling a bit better about life now. I've been icky sick all week, and pretty emotional, waiting for sharper pains of the heart to dull--it can only be wounded pride at this point. Everything else was a figment of my overactive imagination. But that doesn't stop the tears when something triggers it. I think I've cried more in the past three months or so than I have in my past 23 years combined. Maybe I'm getting better about showing my sensitivity more, or maybe I'm a LiveJournal entry away from the Looney Bin. All the same, the emotional dust of this week is settling, the phlegm is actually clearing, and three songs in particular have helped move me to a happier place, though none of the songs are particularly "happy" ones [another sidenote--in one of those MySpace surveys, my sister filled out one about me and it asked what kind of music the person likes and she said, "for some strange reason, she loves songs that bring up bad memories and heartbreak"--so unbelievably true. I had never thought of it that way myself. I view it more as I appreciate songs that can explain how I feel in a beautiful way--it just so happens I'm sad and heartbreaky a lot.]

So without further A.D.D. breaks in continuity, here are my three Carrie Goes to Her Happy Place with Sad Songs songs:

1) Shadowland from the Lion King Soundtrack

Now, I'm not one for musical theatre in most cases. In fact, with a few rare exceptions, I hate it. Yes, all you theatre freaks out there reading this, even Rent. Actually, especially Rent. This is my blog, my confessional, and here it is: I HATE RENT. I THINK IT SUCKS. I'D RATHER GOUGE OUT MY OWN EYES THAN GO SEE IT. [Sorry, Dru] I was in a group at UT where we tried to make pop music and musical theatre music more revelant by combining it with elements of performance art set around a general theme. We used this song in a show that we called Art of War, our first venture into the idea, and probably our worst, just because we hadn't learned how to cut the show down. WAAAAY too long. But a girl wrote a piece about being a refugee and then we sang this song. It may not sound like much, but her piece was actually one of my favorites (I, by the by, played Peace--my first time playing a concept noun, and I got to choreograph my own dance to John Lennon's "Imagine"--I throw that in there to interest Miss Sharon). Anyway, the voice it takes to sing this song, even slightly hokey as it is, has to be off-the-charts fantastic. And our girl who sang it nailed it. LIke, nailed it to the wall and fucked its mother. That good. Sometimes I'd get chills right there on stage under the hot lights because it was so beautiful. This song came on while waiting for the subway this morning and not only did I get chills, I got a little misty. It's a really pretty song and that show had a lot of happy memories for me.

And where the journey may lead me
Let your prayers be my guide
I cannot stay here, my family
But I'll remember my pride

A song about leaving home and forging into scary, unfamiliar territory. I got goosebumps just Copying and Pasting that. Sheesh.

2) Both Hands by Ani Difranco

Now, I know, there's like, ALWAYS an Ani song on here that's relevant for me. I can't help it. She's just that awesome. But this one made me happy because upon close reflection, there aren't that many chord changes and the ones there are, don't sound too tough. I'll have to look up the music sheet online, but we may have found the first Ani song I might possibly be able to play on the guitar. And that makes me redonkulously happy. It's more a question of crescendo and, uh, descendo? Whatever the opposite of that is. If you know the answer to that one, feel free to share. Because of illness and being a phlegm-filled mess, I only got to practice my guitar on Monday, but hopefully I'll find some time this weekend. What I really want is a week of nothing but guitar. Just practice and practice and practice. No work, no social engagements, no drugs, no booze, no outside world. But I guess they call that rehab. Whatevs.

So now use both hands
Please use both hands
Oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried

It also just happens to be one of her loveliest, softest songs. If I can manage to play it, I just might be able to die happy.

3) The Past and the Pending by The Shins

This one is more of a Carrie Theme Song choice than the other two. And a very sad song, but something about it...I was working until about 10:30 last night, on top of the emotional and physical upheaval and you would think that a song like this one might just put me over the balcony on the 18th floor. But something about it is so pretty, so evocative that I was sitting at my desk working and it made me smile. And it lifted my mood about 100 points. I don't know what point scale I'm working on, but add 100 and that seems like a pretty good raise. I finished my work quickly and cheerfully and had this song on repeat and repeat and repeat all the way home. Something about it was like a warm blanket and I just wrapped myself up in it and felt like a little girl, curled up with her mom on a winter's night and a fire going...and I'm taking this simile way too far so I'm going to derail now, but you catch my drift.

Your name on my cast and my notes on your stay
Offer me little but doting on a crime.
We've turned every stone and for all our inventions
In matters of love loss, we've no recourse at all

No recourse at all. And yet, something oddly refreshing about that.

That's about it. I don't have anything particularly insane on tap for the weekend, which is good because I don't want to tempt the Fates any more than I already have since finally starting to feel human again. There could be a little something of interest, but we'll have to wait till Monday to report, should that be the case. I'll let you know. The Decemberists are leading me out into the weekend--nothing like drunken sailor music to help you on your way.