it's these things go through your head...

i've been trying to shake it off all day, but it hasn't worked.

i've been trying to focus on this very interesting book, but i can't.

i went to bed last night with all sorts of tap dancing thoughts about nostalgia and the idea of home and odysseus and no one asking him what 20 years was to him, only telling him of the ithaca that was no longer his in his absence. and ideas of epic love and the perspective time can have on things and how two people can view the same situation that should be objective in totally opposite ways. to one, a momentous event; to the other, a fleeting incident. it was the most active my mind has felt in a while, and i adore books that keep me from sleep. and i had lavender under my pillow, which has been helping with my dreams, and i drifted off peacefully into slumber.

i woke up at 6 am, choking in terror.

i had a dream about being gang-raped. it was quite possibly the worst dream i've ever had, and this is coming from a girl who developed a long-standing battle with insomnia to avoid horrible dreams. it was so real. i'm not a girl with a whole lot of sexual experience, so i was digusted by the fact that i could feel each man and the differences in them. and their breath, and their weight, and their moisture. and i couldn't get out.

but i don't think it was me in the dream, if that makes sense. it happens to me sometimes. i think i feel other people's experiences to the point of actually living them. it's the only way i can explain feeling some of the things that i've felt. my mom says i'm cursed with an overabundance of empathy for people and situations not related to me.

i was sickened at the thought of some girl actually living this.

and then i was just sick.
i cried until i choked, and choked until all the phelgm came up from my body.

maybe the dream was a fever. maybe it was a premonition. maybe it was a channel. maybe it was just a nightmare. maybe it's all of the above.

but it's hard to spend all day trying to forget it, sitting at my computer, sick physically, and sick to my stomach at the thought of such awful things in the world.

and i feel violated by my own subconscious, but more importantly, i just feel violated.

my heart bleeds for anyone who actually has felt this feeling in their reality. it breaks for you.

i'm hoping posting this will purge me of it a little so i can get some work done. and in the meantime, my lungs are purging themselves of something altogether different.

so sorry if that depressed anyone.