My Ode to Wakingindifference....

But first, an Ode to Porn and Chocolate [wink].

How does this not describe the true motivations of the male species?

God, that's good stuff.

So I wanted to pay homage to Ashlee and her style on her blog. It's common knowledge that Ashlee is the far superior writer. She uses language like a Ginsu knife, definitely being able to slice, dice, and make potato wedges. She would never use the phrase "like a Ginsu knife." But here I will try to go all Hemingway-esque and try to cut to the matter.

I'm afraid of men. Always have been. I could wonder whose fault it is, most would claim my mother. They're probably right. The others would claim my father. They're right as well. I was more scared of Ted Bundy than the Boogeyman. As well I should be. I was more scared of my father's keys in the door than snakes. Nobody is afraid a sorority girl is lurking in the shadows. Men hunt. They will hunt you. So you'd better be packing heat when you run into one, because let me tell you, the good ones look the same as the bad and my mantra is "Better Safe than Sorry."

I used all my activities to protect myself from them, choosing instead to worship from afar. Choosing the unavailable asshole because the available one would be able to see through me. It is not an honest effort if you know they can never love you. And if you know this from the beginning, you can hold back pieces of yourself. This is what I do. The real ones would be able to see what a fraud I am.

I wrapped myself up in ballet because it was an acceptable way to abuse myself. My sisters chose drugs and rebellion to express theirs, and got in a lot of trouble for it. They were the "bad girls" [a phrase so utterly absurd that I can't help giggle when I hear it said]. But my rebellion was a more insidious type, one that isn't recognizable in the way "bad behavior" is. I wanted to die. I didn't skip class, I didn't do drugs. I went to theatre rehearsal, Beta Club meeting, ballet rehearsal, came home, didn't eat, and then slept with a knife under my pillow, waiting to use it on myself or the masked stranger who would be coming into my room at any moment.
You want to know why I still keep Fluffy? Why I started sleeping with him in the first place? When I was four I was terrified that robbers would come into the house and stab me in the heart. I felt that having a teddy bear that would cover my body would give me a fighting chance. I shit you not. I still have a hard time leaving my heart exposed when I sleep. When I'm in yoga class, I have anxiety when asked to focus on my "heart chakra." I'm afraid focusing on it will leave me exposed and a knife will come through the air and get me, just like in House of Flying Daggers.

Who's more fucked up? Well, I guess we all are.

In essence, I'm discussing all this because Chloe pointed out during a discussion last night that probably the reason I cling to men the way I do, the reason why it took me so long to get over guys like Mahdi, Sleazy, or even Conor (for a brief period in high school) is that classic reason that because of my background with the other half of the race is based on a series of abuse and rejection and yet, I still want to be loved by them. So when I get rejected, it fucks with my entire essence as a person. And when I exited ballet, it became my new way of torturing myself. Chase the ones who will push you away and then you will have good reason to hate yourself.

I'm lucky to have a friend in Chloe. She tells me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because at least I seek to recognize these things and work toward changing them. She says, "You cannot do anything better than what you are doing right now. You cannot live in any other time." And when she says it, it doesn't sound like bullshit. It sounds wise. Because it is. She wants me to leave the Shame Spiral behind, because it's trapped in the past and you cannot live your life there.

Hmm...I don't think that was like Ashlee at all. Alas, as is always my problem, I cannot be enough like Ashlee.

Love you lady. Love all my ladies.