I swallow it like a Carnival Freak swallows Fire...

Tonight, come Hell or High Water, I'm getting to bed by 10. It seems so far away from here (being noon in the Big City).

Yesterday it was 62 in the morning, and by the time Haley and I took a cab home from karaoke, it was 7. 7 Fucking Degrees. What the fuck? I started the day sweating, and ended it debating setting myself on fire just for warmth. And the snow quickly turned to ice and Manhattan became a giant ice cube and all of us are slipping and sliding around, just praying we can stay upright. My bruise is only just beginning to really fade, I'd hate to get a new one.

You want to know what a humbling experience is? Having a 10 minute discussion with your director about what to do with your ASS. Yup. Humbling [tries to crawl into her own pocket]. I play an androgynous waiter, and I don't know if you've seen me, but I don't think there's any way in the world I would ever get mistaken for a boy. I tried not to let this freak me out, I know it's for the part and my ass gets many a compliment and is always a hit with the fellas, but it's hard to discuss how to hide my more "womanly attributes". Also known as ghetto-booty. Ugh.

Being an actor is surreal.

I went to Haley's restaurant after making the very stupid decision to walk from rehearsal to there. I think it took an hour for full feeling to return to my face. But I was running lines in my head, and it's always easier for me to do that while I'm walking. Jason caught me doing it, muttering to myself the monologues I have. Nothing can make you feel weirder than getting caught talking to yourself. He knew I was running lines, but I finally was conscious that I do this all the time and people must think I'm fucking nuts. Of course, I am, but I should get better at hiding it.

Junebug met up with us. Ah, Bug. I still wish he and Haley would just get married already. But alas, her heart belongs to another, and I'm not quite sure where Junebug's is. But I did notice that every time she got up to sing, he was utterly focused on her. He's at least enraptured with her. As am I. Maybe everyone is. And he's bored with his life. As am I. Maybe everyone is.

Much laughter and my bad singing (which, although I live in the Shame Spiral, Abby, that text-message was me being embarrassed by being off-key and off-rhythm) and booze and booze and I stay far longer than I originally anticipated but kinda knew how it would turn out and made the conscious decision to overdraw on my bank account so Haley and I could take a cab home and order some food when we arrived there. Whew. [In my head, I did that last sentence all in one breath]

I made the genius decision to order the food from the cab so we didn't have to wait too long when we got home (we're coming up on 3am, if anyone is interested in a time-check) and Haley and I have a little heart-to-heart. Once again, this girl has been a god-send in my emotionally fragile nature. I tell her things I don't even put in here (which isn't much, to be fair), but I know I can do that with her because she gets it.

I am really going to miss her.

We're not best friends or anything (BFF 4-eva), but she understands me in a way no one else does because we are so similiar. Awkward, non-sensical, naive--in the good and bad ways. And she talks to me with more compassion than I have for myself, I've been pretty brutal to myself lately, but she understands why. I feel like a fool. I always have, but this is the first time I feel it imposed on me as opposed to me making a conscious effort to be the fool.

The Fool in the Tarot is the beginning of the journey. It's the first card in the deck. I'm an Aries. That's the first sign in the zodiac. The beginning of the stars. The Beginning.

But for right now, this is The End.