When I get Low I get High

That's an Ella Fitzgerald song. I bet if she knew the snarkles it would create for every stoner in America, well, chances are she'd join the party. Cuz when she gets low, she gets high. Sort of like the jazz version of Sublime's "Smoke Two Joints."

Busy weekend. Let's see--got home, cried and cried, didn't sleep, wrote a tweaked out email from lack of sleep and even more crying. Cried all day on the phone to friends, cried myself to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night to cry some more. Woke up and thought I'd break from tradition, but decided to stick to the familiar and cry some more.

You know that familiar bed I crashed in last weekend? Apparently, there was a $10 bet that I'd wind up there. Dru bet that I would. If I were Dru, I would've put at least $20 on it.

Dru has absolutely no sense of business.

I understand that it was a joke. I understand that I was the punchline. I understand the context, I understand that there wasn't intentional malice behind it.

I don't understand why Dru would do it when he knows how sensitive I am about such issues. It was Sleazy that presented the idea. I expect shit like this from him. I could care less about him.

But Dru was fucked up and didn't really know what he was doing. We've all done really stupid shit when we're drunk out of our heads. I guess I just wished he had just gotten drunk and punched me in the face. It would've hurt much less in the long run.

I am a $10 bet. I am a fucking joke.

I spent the morning looking through my photo albums. Not a single person in those albums would have ever done that to me. It would never occur to me to judge or joke about any one of them, no matter what I was on. And Lord knows, I've pulled some doozies in my day.

Something about implicit respect. Something about trust. Something about lack of judgement. Something about my own guilt complex about the whole situation. Something about helplessness.

I made the mistake of trying to integrate myself into a Boys Club. This is what happens to a Girl in a Boys Club. In the end, they were never going to give me the password to get in the treehouse.

I'm playing with Billie. And when I get low, I get high.

I'll get through this. I've been through far worse. I guess I just thought I'd never have to.

PS-I am going to leave this up for maybe another week or two, and then I am officially retiring PornandChocolate.