So much to say, so much to say...

Actually, not much to say.

My job here at DataEntryWorld will be ending sooner than expected. Which makes me panic a little bit, since the pay was good and I still couldn't make ends meet and the next assignment will probably pay less and be just as crappy.

There was subway drama today trying to get to work. I felt trapped in Office Space. Luckily, I left early this morning on a lark and didn't end up being late at all. In fact, I was the third person in the office. But most of the office is away on some trip to California (which is hilarious because they were all like, "We're escaping New York and going to beautiful California!" and then it's apparently like the apocalypse out there). And here it's about 58 degrees. Pretty warm for a NYC January. We haven't even really had a real snowstorm yet. I have a sneaking feeling that I have a tendency to bring warm weather with me.

The cough won't go away. Devon got pissed because I had a coughing fit at like 3 that was loud and extensive. I felt guilty. Normally I wouldn't, but since this whole plague was brought on by sleeping with my ex, I feel bad that Devon is paying for my sins.

I'm waiting to feel normal again. In every possible sense of the word.

I miss the girl that I was. I know that I'm not her because eventually you have to grow up and stress about bills and get a "real" job, but I exited the subway thinking "I'm really just dead and climbing the stairs into SoHo. This should be exciting. But it's not. I could be in Kingwood, or Austin, or anywhere. New York has not touched me in anyway. Just another subway in another city going to a job that leads to nowhere."

Then I wanted to bitch-slap myself because life isn't really all that bad and I should be thankful for all the things that I have and I want to become positive again.

But I can't remember the last time I said "Fuck it" and went out and played in the rain.

Or sat, drunk and having really intense conversations.

Or getting high and listening to Ani and driving around to nowhere in particular. And getting lost and not caring because the company was so amazing. The journey, not the destination.

Or kissed someone, with absolutely nothing attached to it, other than it's fun to make two lips meet. And it not lead anywhere, both physically and in an emotional sense. Spin the bottle for 20-somethings.

Not feeling guilty. Not feeling like I'm wasting the precious time before the apocalypse. Not feeling like I'm turning into not a very good person.

Desiderata:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste
and remember what peace there can be in silence...
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
No less than the trees and stars
You have a right to be here
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Best advice. New mantra. Must believe.