Human Nature, I guess...
This stupid, stupid heart of mine.
There's this monologue from Daniel's play that I find particularly relevant:
"The dream of love propels us. It's not lessened because it's only a dream. There's no only about it...There is no dream of feeling versus real feeling. Emotion itself is a fiction. Powerful and false...So what if everything you say is intellectually calculated to give the impression of depth of emotion? You can decide to be in love. You can decide to be happy. You must be able to or what's the point of being a person? Why not just be a dog or a bowl of pudding?"
Which means, you can decide not to feel a certain way.
All men are violent. It's what they do. If they're not literally beating you up, they're kicking your heart around like it's Free Friday in gym class.
I prefer the actual bruises, to be honest. I can pinpoint them and I can treat them. But maybe that's just because of the way I was raised.
I wish that when we have had sex, he would just punch me during, as opposed to not giving a shit after.
It's not the sex I regret. Sex is a biological function. Like violence. We are all trapped by fight or flight or fuck. You just can't allow yourself to care.
I ruined a friendship because of it all. Friendship means you care, and you should never care about someone you're fucking. That's where it all goes awry.
But if you can allow yourself to care, it should be reversible, right? Powerful and false all this is.
[sidenote: the reading went well, in my opinion]
In conclusion, if you can't make your mind think otherwise, you have to numb it. I'm done being honest. And I'm done being sober.
Bottoms up.
posted by C @ 22:31
8 comments
8 Comments:
i just don't understand why it can't be less black and white. like you can fuck someone and care about them but not expect a commitment (and expect respect). the problem with that is there rarely is a balance over the long term in how people feel about one another. poo. so i guess that is why people resort to faithful monogamy. i dont know. i dont get it. at least we are (actively) trying to figure all of this out, right? maybe by the time we are a bit older it will make more sense or we will have figured out how to find some sort of balance.
I know. To me it seems simple. But apparently it's not.
Yes. I still like the jobby job. I'm about to head into tedious tasks land, but at least I'm done with the uber-gigantic-packet-of-Doom.
I've always resolved to not let myself get treated like shit. But sadly, my Jedi-mind-trick function has been off and I can't control the menfolk as I would like to.
boys are schmucks.
schmuck is the part of the penis that is thrown away during circumcision
(i know this because i just the other day watched part of the life of david gale - it sucked)
brazos
boys have schmucks.
Does that mean that girls have "schmuck envy?"
Oh, and Brazos, I'm actually in the Life of David Gale. My ass frames the protest scene. Check it out. I've never seen it, but apparently, my hair is crazy red.
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