I guess that Push has Come to This/ So I guess This must be Shove

The last I'll say of the unpleasant recent events is that I've found my theme song for it, and these things are cathartic to me. I keep sending people what I've written about it and everyone keeps telling me that if it's how I feel it's okay. But I'm a writer and I want to know that I wrote everything WELL. I want to know that these things are clear and coherent and that I don't sound like a crazy bitch.

I realize that I must have, since I keep getting, "It's how you feel..."

Then again, I AM a crazy bitch, so at least I was true to form.

There are two things that have given me real joy and real happiness since all this went down and my brain and heart melted into a nasty concoction of gruel and booze:

1)This. These two have seen me through some of my darkest moments, and I like to think I've helped in the slightest with some of theirs, and it's true. We all get out of hand, but I've seen them as a couple when they are quiet and loving and redonkulously domestic. I really could not be happier for them if it was me getting married. They are good people. I wish nothing but the best for them, and all the happiness they deserve. And they deserve a lot. Believe me, they deserve a lot.

2) The overwhelming amount of support in amidst all my crazy from my friends humbles me. I do not deserve it. I put myself in this place and now I'm dealing with the consequences. I brought this on myself. I even feel bad that I know Dru is feeling bad because I know he didn't mean to hurt me. But it doesn't change that he did. No one wins here. No one at all. But in the past few days, I've had more love thrown at me than Tom Cruise at a Circuit Party and it's incredibly...um, incredible. I don't know. Work with me here, folks. I'm pretty tired today. Oh, and I guess the past paragraph will be the last I'll say of it. See? One sentence in and I already lied to everyone. I am a terrible person.

I feel like the storm has passed. I feel calm start to settle back around my brain. I hadn't been able to remember the last time that I cried before all this, and so maybe a year? six months? worth of built-up slights and injuries and embarrassments came crashing down on me in a 4 day period.

I remember saying it before, and I'll say it again:

Beauty in the Breakdown.

I want to do yoga all the time. I want to throw the best bachelorette party the world has ever seen for my friend Spring. I want to heal Sharon. I want to see Gwen. I want to hug and laugh with all my NTI friends. I want my big sister to protect me. I want to make up stupid religions with my best friend Ashlee. I want rest my head into Conor's chest, even though he ALWAYS wears too much deodorant. I want to play play play. I want my mother to drive me crazy. And I want to make Gary cry with the sappy Christmas card I pick out for him. I want to start respecting myself. I want to become a woman I am proud of. I have so many amazing women whose leads I can follow. I want to grow up a little bit.

I want I want I want...

This is my Christmas Wish List.