Now Every Pop Song on the Radio/ Is Suddenly Speaking to Me

That's an Ani line from a song I don't have on Billie. Here's an Ani Song I was really wishing I had:

Just please don't name this
Please don't explain this
Just blame it all on me
Say I was shameless
Say I couldn't slow it down
Let alone stop it
And say you just hung around
'Cuz you couldn't top it

I only have one (and we'll get to it--man, I need to borrow some Ani CDs. I think an army of Ani Difranco songs will help) Everyone else can say how I'm feeling better than I can. On Billie:

This place is a prison
And these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through $20 bills
And the tumblers are drained and then flooded again
And again

I know there's a big world out there like the one i saw on the screen
In my living room late last night,
It was almost too bright to see
And I know that it's not a party if it happens every night
Pretending there's glamour and candelabra
When you're drinking by candlelight

What does it take to get a drink in this place?
--The Postal Service

Most importantly, my theme song (this has been put on repeat so many times it's ridiculous):

There was a guy making a plan
Find a girl, she'd understand
And say, "Please don't worry"
This one was right, well that was the thing
Closing your eyes, see wedding rings
Well there is no hurry
A day like today, waiting for wings to form
You're waiting for clouds and storms
And for safety
And I said, "I will"
And I ask you please lie still
Your faith means everything

The one thing that I protect
Well don't you know, don't you forget
The sound of my voice
And hands down in the hold I brace
Put your hands on your handsome face
And lie when you say
"I haven't got much, maybe today"
And it's all you won't become
And it's everything you might have done
My dear
Closing in fast on another year

And I will be anxious arms
Beside myself when there's no one else
Would you be my answer then?
Won't you be my answer?
Say it again...

And you care
(And you give what you have and it's all that you've got)
What you have
(And you hope it's enough but you know that it's not)
And you say
(You say)
"Please don't worry"
And you care
(And you tear it apart and you count up the cost)
In your heart
(And your head swims, it all gets lost)
And you say
(You say)
"There is no hurry"
--The Jealous Sound

I know all of this is an overreaction. But this is not my imagined response. I'm a little shocked that I'm not more understanding, that I can't seem to wrap my head around the joke of it all and non-malicious intentions of all involved. But I start to think and memories flood me and shame overwhelms me and the guilt the guilt the guilt and oh-God-how-did-I-let-this-happen-to-myself and oh-God-the-guilt-and-what-the-Hell-am-I-Catholic, embarrassment that had I not been told, there would have been a $10 bet that my ex-boyfriend, his new girlfriend and my close friend made and we would have smiled and laughed and drank and caroused and it's all a fucking sham, I have been such a fool...

And then I'm a mess all over again. And then I put the Jealous Sound on Repeat.