Does this mean I get my pony now?

It's a little late into the New Year for all this reflection.

But the other night, smoking with Devon, I compared myself this year to myself last year.

Last year, this time, I was a virgin.
I was in college.
I had nightmares of Russia and lived in a perpetual panic attack.
I smoked too much pot and drank too much vodka.
I don't think I was happy, but sometimes I feel that I might have been happier than I think.

And now? not virgin/not college/nightmares of moving/too little pot/too much whiskey/happy? who knows?

You have to think about where it all fits in. The passage of time. The growth of self. The fuck ups and screw ups and trials and tribulations and cliches and the best of the worst.

It all fits together. Russia, the mugging, the boy, all these things I think have been part of some greater lesson.

The lesson?

I need to let go of the controls.

Beauty in the breakdown again. Seriously, this mantra is following me around like a lost dog.

Being in the hospital and knowing that there was a strong possibility that I might die during surgery (fixing a papercut at a 105 fever is a risky endeavor) was the most dramatic wake up call that in the end, we cannot control certain things. Hell, we can barely control anything. I control what I put on in the morning. Past that, I am a slave to time/MTA/work/other people. How did I ever think that being a control freak would actually mean that I could control things?

The mugging taught me that bad things can happen to you all at once and maybe it isn't so bad. He didn't get my purse. He reminded me that I shouldn't assume safety because I'm on the Upper East Side and to take the well-lit streets. But he didn't take me with him. And that's something to cling to tighter than your purse.

The boy taught me that I like the fact that I live in the world where things end, and they always will, but it's not a sad or bad thing. When we had that fight that night and I was talking to Abby, I slipped into cynic mode and said "Why even do this? If it doesn't work, you get hurt and if it does, one of you will die and it will hurt, too. Why bother?"

I realize now that this was a very Justin thing to say.

Why bother? Because everything ends. It makes the time we have more precious with each other. Just because I know I'm going to die someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 5 minutes, does that mean I kill myself now?

Inevitability can only take you so far and then it will kill you before you die. The ending of things does not negate the start of them or the continuance. It's. Just. What. Happens.

Being the walking dead is not the way to live.

So sayeth the prophet in accordance to the prophecy.