Well, sure, she's a phoney, but she's a REAL phoney...

Ashlee comes in tonight and I couldn't be happier about that. Not a single bit happier.

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Yesterday I spent all day with little butterflies in my tummy that I couldn't explain. Normally, I would just say that the baby was kicking or something, but since the gods have smiled on me and made me NOT pregnant, I wondered what the feeling was. It felt very pregnant.

Anticipation of something. But what?

I just read on LiveJournal that apparently one of the crew is, indeed, pregnant. Maybe I was having sympathy flutters. She sadly has to face that decision that I was praying to avoid.

Or maybe it's anticipation of something that's coming up for me.

Who knows how this amazing thing called perceptiveness works?

Yvette came over and did a full Reiki session on me. I was a little worried because these sorts of energy readings can be very telling and I wasn't sure how exposed to Yvette I wanted to become. Not that she's not a lovely person, but I had this sneaking suspicion she would find all my secrets hidden somewhere in my chakras.

I was afraid she'd figure out what a fraud I was.

Or, that in fact, I'm not very happy.

Because here's my thing. I have been feeling better, but you never know how that really works when you're an actress. Especially if you've ever studied method. "My lover died, my lover died, this is what it feels like to have a lover die" goes on in your head until you believe it. You create the sensory reality of having your lover die. What would it feel like? How would my hands move? Would they shake? What would come from my eyes when my lover died? The grief becomes the whole package and you feel this reality that you've created for youself. No doubt it's why we're all crazy. And though a part of you knows that it's just a play and your lover hasn't died, you've convinced yourself enough to convince other people and perception is reality.

I'm good at hiding what's really going on with me. So good, in fact, that I might have tricked myself into thinking I'm doing well. But deep down, I wonder how true it is.

I have secret habits that I don't tell anyone about, even here. Little rituals (no, not smoking crack or anything like that). In fact, they're really quite innocent. But the fact that I feel like I can't share them or am embarrassed by them makes me wonder how well I really am, or what progress I'm really making.

And I was scared she'd see it all. I wonder now if she does. I'll never know, because you can easily keep to yourself secrets you discover from other people. Especially secrets that aren't shared openly, but discovered on happenstance.

Maybe we're all frauds. Maybe we're all just faking it.

But it kept me from focusing too much on the session since I was afraid of what she was learning about me.

But it was interesting. I did feel energy exchange between us and it was warm and I think it must have been healing because today was the first day in a long time that I woke up and my back wasn't killing me. The rib thing still hurts if I cough, but I'm coughing a lot less today as well. Reiki? The body's natural healing?

My paranoid fellow temp while I was at M*A*C was overly concerned with what was really going on. If I told him I had a Reiki session and felt better, he would have replied,

"Well, it's like a placebo. It doesn't really work, you just think that it does."

It was his reaction to all my echinacea consumption.

My reaction? Who cares if it's a placebo? People have believed so strongly in placeboes that they actually work. So what if you believed in something that wasn't real so much that it then became real? That's the power and the beauty of the human mind.

I feel better. Psycho-somatic? Placebo? Time doing its thing?

Who knows? But my physical body feels better. That's something.

I'm pretty sure the rest of me is still a fraud.

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I wish Ashlee happy travels to me. And even happier still will I be. At least I think so.