I have Become Pure Water / It's about Suppression

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

To say I had a meltdown on Friday is a bit of an understatement. I told Abby on the phone a little while ago,

"It was like a fucking exorcism"

Writhing, deep sobs that I brought on myself because I don't know how to not poke at open wounds. I ask questions that I know will make me hate myself because I know the answer. And the answer is never pretty. Begging for an end to it all, why when you're miserable nothing seems right and your life seems useless and pathetic and your friends are worried and so you want to run but you don't have anywhere to go and that just makes everyone worry more. Just run. As if the answer is going to be on the sidewalk of 4th Avenue.

But it's not. And Blythe rounds me up and tucks me in and I can't stop the sobbing, this demon released from my mind, crying and laughing because I think to myself, "I'm gonna cry this boy right outta my hair!"

I need to stop getting so fucked up that I go to that dark place and worry my friends and family. At least until I can enjoy being that fucked up again. Right now, everything goes along swimmingly and then I feel the need to pick scabs poke sores and in general make an art form out of Self Destruction.

I sleep. It's like inducing coma when head traumas are too severe. I don't take calls. I let everyone know I'm okay, but I make sure to do it when I know they won't pick up because I don't want to see, talk, hear from anyone.

The nice thing about exorcism is that sometimes it works. Sometimes you just need to let it all out in one massive freak-out. And then you exhale. It felt like that. We'll see what happens the next time I get drunk, but last night was the first night I dreamt of someone different. I didn't think about bad things--What I Did Wrong, What is Wrong With me, Why I do This to Myself...I thought--Well, fuck it, the new one's cute. We'll take it from there. The Light at the end of the tunnel is bright and it hurts my hungover Life, but I have a feeling if I just go to it, I won't see my shadow. Six more weeks of winter can blow me. I need to rewire my brain because it's too important to stay the way it's been.

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Enough of That. What I really wanted to write about was this Valtrex commercial I saw last night. Now I don't know if anyone creating these commercials knows a damn thing about herpes, but it didn't seem so.

First of all, the Chick With Herpes (who I shall name Herpelina) says something like "When I had an outbreak I felt it would take days out of my life." Cut to a cheesy shot of Herpelina and her loving partner (who I shall name NotMeI'mClean) sitting on a rocky beach and he tries to put his arm around her, and she brushes him off. Now, I'm sure if she's having an outbreak, Herpelina is uncomfortable, but I don't think NotMeI'mClean is gonna catch it by hugging her. And considering the mass amounts of people in this country who DO have herpes, I would think they would find this offensive. That somehow, you should feel dirty and unclean and like a whore for having this disease, to where you are so shamed that you cannot let your clearly-supportive partner put his arm around you.

Now you would think of all people, the folks at Valtrex wouldn't want to Shame their consumer market. All this shot does is piss me off. I know that people who are dealing with this disease probably have to go through their own Victorian Hangover of Sexual Politics, but you would think the company trying to help them wouldn't perpetuate the stigma. You don't see the people who have recurring asthma too embarrassed to let people touch them. The fact that this is a disease attributed to sexual activity should be moot. When are we gonna stop treating it like it's dirty? People have sex. Sometimes people will get diseases. Of course it's unpleasant and of course you should seek treatment. I don't like the prevalent ideas that this somehow makes you an Untouchable. Uncomfortable, maybe. But like I said, so is asthma; and when I have had an asthma attack, I could really use a hug. Especially from someone as lovely as NotMeI'mClean. So stop doing that, Valtrex. Stupid gits.

We then cut to Herpelina and NotMeI'mClean engaging in all the activities that Herpelina was too ashamed to enjoy before suppressing her herpes with Valtrex. And all these activities just make me think of herpes even more. I mean, seriously people. Bike riding? All I'm consumed with now are images of Herpelina's vagina. Riding a bike? Are you kidding?!

Then they follow it up with Herpelina and NotMeI'mClean enjoying a seafood dinner. A huge lobster is paraded in front of them. Leaving aside the fact that apparently a herpes outbreak prevents you from EATING, umm, did we have to go with the large lobster? Because in my head, I think lobster, then I think crabs, and then once more, I'm headed down my own herpes shame-spiral and very unnecessary concern over the state of Herpelina's vagina. Again. Would it have killed them to show the couple enjoying a lovely chicken entree?

On a random sidenote, I would absolutely LOVE if they got down to the real business at hand; mainly Herpelina getting head from NotMeI'mClean, or him taking her from behind with some really rowdy sex. I mean, that's what we're really talking about here, isn't it? It isn't that an outbreak prevents her from riding a bike or being hugged by NotMeI'mClean, it's just the poor girl has to go without a proper boning for a little while. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? To reference the lovely Blythe's disgust over the graphic nature of commercials these days, I don't think this is too farfetched of an idea. Plus, the taking her from behind is good enough for Nip/Tuck, it's good enough for Valtrex in my humble opinion.

Basically, I felt this was a poor execution of what Valtrex was trying to say. And to annoy me even further, and just in general annoyance with prescription drug ads, "If you are suffering from genital herpes, tell your doctor about Valtrex." First, I think if you're suffering from genital herpes, your doctor has probably already told YOU about Valtrex, probably on the same day you got your diagnosis. I have a hard time imagining that you get your results back, and your doctor's all, "Well, good luck with that. It itches." It's like getting strep throat and you go months, until finally you see an ad for penicillin, and you call your doctor up and are like, "I've heard about this drug penicillin that apparently will help me out with this strep throat thing I've got going on." And your doctor says, "Hmmmm...You're right. I never even thought of antibiotics before. Thanks, TV." My opinion is also I don't think anyone should be telling their doctor about any drug. That's what they're there for. And if you walk into a doctor's office and demand a drug you saw on TV, well, doesn't that just make him a dealer?

I'm surprised my dreams weren't haunted by NotMeI'mClean and Herpelina's vagina. Then again, it really is about suppression.