Overstimulation is the next step in the grieving process...

The grief thing is a funny thing. I feel guilty for enjoying my weekend so much.

I was going to be quiet last night. I was. That was the idea.

I don't know who I think I'm fooling.

When people want to talk to me about it, the pain jumps on for a ride and my heart does that hurting thing that it does so often. So I appreciated that while I got concerned glances from the boys, the subject was never broached until I mentioned it off-hand to Dru.

Because there's nothing anyone can say that will make everything fit into its neat little place. It's odd and discombobulating and the best thing to do is know that you're loved.

And that requires a certain amount of enjoyment.

And to be fair to me, I didn't start it with Junebug last night. I was perfectly content to do the friend-thing because I love him too much to let things get weird. But the talking was fun and I thought all was quiet on the Western Front and then Chris and Spring looked away for a moment and Junebug pulls me in and kisses me.

Game Over. You know how I feel about him doing that.

And you think you shouldn't enjoy it. Your stepdad, whom you cherish, is on his way to Atlanta to view his dead daughter. And you are losing yourself in kisses and groans and the forward movement of time and you're lost and found at the same time and god-this-shouldn't-feel-as-good-as-it-does and if you just grasp him tightly enough, the rest of the world will just drop away and you'll be able to breathe again. You exhale into him and curl up around him and his pulse is beating time on your wrist and your pulse is thumping inside your chest and you know that this is what alive is supposed to feel like and yet you can't pinpoint what the lack of it would feel like. If none of it moved.

I wake up to come into work (yup, woo hoo) and Sleazy comes down and sits at the computer. Chris is passed out on the futon, and I'm looking at my orange juice like it has betrayed me. I glance at Sleazy and the lifetime ago that it was and look down at Chris, and still chuckle at how all that went down. And ten feet from them is Junebug, naked and wrapped inside his comforter.

My heart smiles because they all mean a lot to me. Then it just busts up laughing because I've seen them all naked. HA!

I can't stay pensive all day, now, can I? I've got work to do.