If this IM conversation isn't funny, let me know and I'll delete it

But it amused the hell out of me and so I include it in its epic nature.

ikanread: aron! you gonna be around in 10 min? i'm going to go smoke
ZiplocKity: yesh
ZiplocKity: but only ten minutes because that's when the cyanide will kick in
ikanread: i love cyanide in my morning coffee
ikanread: it's the best part of waking up
ZiplocKity: oh hi
ZiplocKity: I'm not dead afterall
ikanread: i'm so glad
ZiplocKity: what did you dream about last night?
ZiplocKity: wait, shouldn't you be out nannying or something
ikanread: i dreamt i was the child of these two friends of mine. they were holding my hands on either side of me and swinging me
ikanread: no, i nanny at night
ikanread: i'm 9-5ing it during the day
ZiplocKity: oooh. that sounds dangerous
ikanread: i know
ZiplocKity: oh.
ikanread: yup. i'm a workin' gal
ZiplocKity: I'm half assing it during the day
ikanread: why are you up so early?
ikanread: are you working? what are you doing? who am i? why am i in this handbasket?
ZiplocKity: no, but lately I haven't rolled out of bed until noon sometimes as late as 3, but that usually means I'm rolling out of someone else's bed.
ikanread: you little skank
ZiplocKity: so how is everyone there
ZiplocKity: do you guys hang out with moby all the time?
ikanread: good--i'm doing a good job of rolling out of their beds as well
ikanread: moby's a pussy who goes to bed early
ZiplocKity: you are such a star fffffffffffucker
ZiplocKity: and you draw on his ass with a gigantic sharpy when he passes out
ikanread: exactly
ikanread: actually this one night, dru and devon passed out early and i wrote "911" on their foreheads with a red sharpie
ZiplocKity: that... that's not funny carrie... oh god... how could you?
ikanread: ah, debauchery
ikanread: i'm evil
ikanread: didn't you get the memo?
ZiplocKity: apparently
ZiplocKity: mmmm... yes?
ikanread: my fall from grace was quick and lasting
ZiplocKity: yeah, I got it but it was on stationary with teddy bears and balloons on it, so i thought it was a misprint
ikanread: that's always misleading
ZiplocKity: rather
ikanread: how's life for you my dear?
ZiplocKity: next thing you know you'll be the real evil kind of evil not just debauchery, but like building malls in airplanes that run on the dreams of small children
ikanread: how did you know what i was up to?
ZiplocKity: I dunno. everyone seems to know apparently
ikanread: all the goddamn memos
ZiplocKity: you may be evil and a genius but you sure got a big mouth
ikanread: i need to start killing witnesses
ZiplocKity: a big beautiful luscious big mouth
ikanread: getting randy, are we?
ZiplocKity: with lips like the finest escargot
ikanread: my lips are like snails?
ikanread: are you calling me fat?
ZiplocKity: oh? uhhh... is THAT what escargot is?! No! no! I mean... your lips are like...uhhh... a mothers vagina?
ikanread: wow. thanks. [blushes]
ZiplocKity: ha don't mention it [suckerpunches]
ikanread: i sure know how to pick 'em [stabs with ice-pick]
ZiplocKity: hey can you see my little icon... i mean, my buddy icon. what kind of computer are you using?
ikanread: a fancy one and yes i can see your icon. you should really zip that up
ZiplocKity: like, I'm on a mac so for AIM I see your little buddy icon right next to everything you type
ikanread: your icon is next to the "warn" button
ikanread: which is appropriate i feel
ZiplocKity: my icon can hit the warn button on it's own
ZiplocKity: wait. we're talkinga bout my dick right?
ikanread: yes. and it's totally hitting my warn button.
ikanread: you should buy me dinner first.
ikanread: who am i kidding? tell me i look pretty while getting me a beer and we're good to go
ZiplocKity: I'll call up the taj mahal long distance and have then deliver you live dolphin and a giant spiked bat
ZiplocKity: and a bib
ikanread: but i already got a live dolphin for christmas
ikanread: [whines, pouts, eviscerates]
ZiplocKity: you can eat that and drink wine (which you will provide for yourself) and then we can talk on the phone whilst I eat MY dolphin and drink whiskey and it'll be like the best date ever. we'll just pretend we're in opposite rooms and that our parents won't let us see each other before the arranged wedding
ZiplocKity: don't worry, I won't actually marry you though.
ikanread: it's okay. i've been betrothed to another for a sack of wheat and some gold galleons
ikanread: and a goat
ikanread: i ain't cheap
ZiplocKity: yes you are
ikanread: [sigh] i know
ZiplocKity: you totally are
ZiplocKity: don't act so upset though, I mean. too many things are expensive these days, cheap shit like you is hard to find.
ikanread: OKAY, ALREADY. I'M A BIG CHEAP WHORE.
ikanread: it's like a public service
ikanread: changing the world, one orgasm at a time
ZiplocKity: you actually orgasm when junebug gives it to yah?
ikanread: i'm like jesus...turning water into pussy
ZiplocKity: ringing water out of pussy
ikanread: why? did junebug not make you come?
ZiplocKity: no.
ZiplocKity: well...
ikanread: did he at least hold you?
ikanread: 'cuz he didn't hold me
ZiplocKity: I mean, he was going at it for a long time and then I told him to stop and so he moved his head away and right as he did that I used all the inner motivation I could and I just went right in his face, the skinny bastard never saw it coming
ZiplocKity: ooh.
ikanread: well, at least you maintained control
ZiplocKity: did he at least give you a pillow to hug?
ikanread: no. i think he threw a large heineken at me
ZiplocKity: it was our friends kristen and claire who told me about your ummm.. escapades
ZiplocKity: but you drank it right?
ikanread: yes, but i couldn't distinguish the beer from my TEARS
ikanread: [strokes can] at least you love me
ZiplocKity: you don't really have hurt feelings or anything though do you?
ikanread: wow. a sincere question
ikanread: i don't know
ikanread: it's weird
ikanread: we were really good friends. i went over to their place yesterday and he didn't even look at me
ZiplocKity: yeah, I think it is pretty tough to determine how to respond to sexual awkwardness
ZiplocKity: he's all guilty and shit
ikanread: weird thing is, i don't feel awkward about it. and i'm a girl who generally jumps to awkward land and settles in with the natives. i think he may have been trying to prove how NOT special i am. or something. you know, big cheap whore syndrome
ikanread: or maybe he feels guilty
ikanread: i don't know
ikanread: you menfolk are hard to read sometimes
ZiplocKity: yeah, but junebug is grown up now and obviously you are a friend, so if it's not some guilt thing and it is some ego thing then he's ummm a ... I can't think of an insult. does chode work?
ikanread: chode works for everything, methinks.
ikanread: i don't know. it just happened, so maybe time will sort things out
ikanread: the human interaction part is really getting in the way of getting laid
ZiplocKity: yeah, but obviously this guy has no idea of how building a harem works. you're supposed to fake niceness for a little while and THEN act like nothing ever happened so you always have that girl in your pocket to "bed" her again later. Now he's just gone and made you pregnant and his cock is eternally soft
ikanread: eternal softness of the luckless cock
ZiplocKity: that's a good movie
ikanread: the last time we slept together, he kinda avoided me, and then was fine about a week later, so i think it will be okay
ikanread: and that movie's in production, by the by
ikanread: starring junebug's luckless cock and mickey rourke as the eternal softness of it
ZiplocKity: well if you need a producer I could use some street cred, so I suppose I could help out with that.
ikanread: you have street cred?
ZiplocKity: yeah.
ZiplocKity: Quite a bit
ikanread: wow. when did you become thug?
ZiplocKity: they gave me business cards
ZiplocKity: I became thug when my momma's water broke
ZiplocKity: because I fucked her and made her pregnant and she had the baby
ZiplocKity: see?
ZiplocKity: look at that i think i talked about pregnant stuff twice already in this conversation.
ikanread: i know
ikanread: seriously
ZiplocKity: well, the stuff being either you or my mom
ZiplocKity: but you're both good stuff
ZiplocKity: there's no doubting that
ikanread: i am good stuff
ikanread: i'm the best stuff--the jesus of sex, remember?
ZiplocKity: I won't ever forget oh righteous one
ikanread: who you knockin' boots with these days?
ZiplocKity: this Israeli-itallian chick. she is a fucking fox and D-O-W-N and that's how we get down
ikanread: thug life 4-eva!
ikanread: so she's hairy, right?
ZiplocKity: no, she's actually got leukemia and has to wear a wig
ikanread: so i hope you fuck her gently
ZiplocKity: that's why she's with me.
ZiplocKity: no way!
ikanread: oh god--i feel a chemo-sex joke coming
ZiplocKity: I don't want her to suffer much longer, I figure if I fuck her hard maybe she'll die having sex
ikanread: not a bad way to go, i've decided, now that i'm getting the hang of it
ikanread: certainly beats having your heart cut out with a spoon
ikanread: but just barely
ZiplocKity: spooning is so nice
ikanread: are you talking about actual spooning, death by spooning, or going to a spoon concert?
ZiplocKity: I'm not talking about ANY of those things
ZiplocKity: okay. it don't matter. You can come back to Austin and work for me, its crap pay but I'll feed and cloth you and let you sleep in the toolshed
ikanread: will you give me a pillow to hold?
ZiplocKity: I just read that and kind of bit my lip and rolled my eyes. it was a sincere feeling of "oh GOD! shhhhut UP!"
ikanread: man--what is it about fucking me that elicits that response?
ZiplocKity: but I guess I'll give you some hay stuffed in burlap
ikanread: you are nothing if not a gentleman
ZiplocKity: maybe it's just funny
ZiplocKity: maybe it's just a harmless joke that everyone thinks you'll get , but you don't understand because the whole sex thing is new to you and you're kinda like... but... what... what did I do wrong? instead of "ha! good one. you too."
ikanread: or it's the whole cheap whore thing...i am coming austin soon though. we should meet up.
ZiplocKity: fantastic! I will be gone for a little bit in June, but I don't really think i'll ge going anywheres again until august, and that's when I go to NYC only to visit though
ZiplocKity: hey, I should probably get to work though.
ikanread: you're coming here!!! awesome
ikanread: ok
ZiplocKity: so i will hopefully talk to you again soon
ZiplocKity: good bye and I love you.
ikanread: bye. love you too

I think we should take our act on the road.

But if this is only amusing to me, just give a holla and I'll write something more sincere.